Why Dad Did You Choose Suicide?

• by Susan Gower
• 6 months ago

were we not thought about when you took time to cut the rope from the washing line
were we not thought about when you took time to climb to the attic to tie the rope there
were we not thought about when you decided that death was better than facing life with us
were we not thought about when you decided to break peoples hearts
were we not thought about as you took your last breath
were we not thought about at all

we think of you every time we put washing on the washing line
we don't use the attic but we still think of you on the stairs
we also miss mum she would have been angry you left us alone
even after 39 years our hearts are still broken
we think of you with every breath we take
Life changed forever the day you decided to leave us

• by Sarah V. Kingsbury
• 4 years ago

My father committed suicide almost three years ago, and when I found this site, I knew I'd find something I could relate to. Thank you for sharing your poem and reminding people they're not alone.

• by Allison B
• 4 years ago

It's been 4 years since my father took his life...12 since I tried and failed to take my own life. While I found comfort and friends that told me why I deserved to live... he was faced with a wife and step-daughters who didn't care. For 4 years, I had to deal with the fact my dad took his own life because of their negativity. I'm not even joking, his step-children both told him to kill himself days before it happened. I will never be able to forgive them. But I know the pain my father went through. I know the desperate feeling of not having a way out, of not feeling like there is a way out. I don't blame him for what he did.

• by Jen P
• 7 years ago

Thank you for writing the poem. I lost my dad to suicide, and this is a beautifully written poem.

• by Wendy Ann Walker
• 7 years ago

When I was 10 and a half, my whole life changed. My dad (my hero) killed himself when my mom and brothers were away. When my mom told me that my dad passed away, she didn't tell me what happened, just that he died. Also when she told me, my heart and my breathing just stopped and I fell to the ground, sobbing. I couldn't believe that the man I spent my whole day with (when he was off of work and I was off of school) was gone and I would never see him again until I died.

• by Andrea
• 8 years ago

On February 1, 2016, my whole world changed when I found my son hanging from the rafters in his bedroom. Reading this poem really touched my heart, and I remember asking the same question: "WHY Son?" I never ever thought this would happen to me and my family: losing a loved one to suicide. Now I know what it is like to be a suicide survivor. The pain is so unbearable. My son was only 22 when he decided that evening to take his own life in our home. I still keep asking myself why son, why. He was so full of life and had his whole life ahead of himself. I just have memories now.

• by Raine Willingham, Texas
• 9 years ago

On May 11th 2012 I received a phone call at work from my dad's then girlfriend saying "your dad did what uncle tim did" my world crashed around me. I was 19 at the time and my siblings were 12 (sister) and 9 (brother). It's the constant not knowing why that really hurts me and as the years have passed I have managed to cope and be happy (as have my siblings) because we know dad wouldn't want us to weep because he messed up. Thing is, I'm getting married to my soldier on Christmas Day this year and it just came crashing down on me the reality of him not physically being there. I'm breaking down again. I don't know how to feel because I'm feeling the worst mix of joy and excitement and deep pain. Honestly, I don't even know why I came on here. I'm sorry for being a bother.

• by Kaylee Young, Arizona
• 9 years ago

This poem has made me realize I shouldn't hate my father, that he wasn't able to see the light. I was 2 1/2 when my father committed suicide. I wasn't told how he died until I was 10. So my mom would tell me make up a way he died. My father was a firefighter, so I would say he died rescuing a family from a fire. Well later on I was told he committed suicide and how he did it. I was so angry he was supposed to be my hero. He chose to leave me. I thought he didn't want me or to even know me. I hated that he wouldn't be there for my birthdays, Christmas, to meet my first boyfriend, and my last. To see me get ready for my dances. To be there when I graduate. To meet my fiancé who becomes my husband. To give me away at my wedding, and to dance with me for father daughter dances. To see my first house. To be there when my kids are born. To just be there by my side and hold my hand when I get sad. This poem made me realize he may not be here in human form but he will no matter what see what I make for my future. He will be proud of the life I have chosen. Because I am a suicide survivor, I am proud of my title. I will not give into my depression, and be another suicide in my family. Sadly that is what my family can't get away from. We are a family built around depression, and suicide.

• by Courtney Lea, New Zealand
• 10 years ago

My father did the same thing almost a year ago. The one year mark is this Saturday (18th October) and I'm struggling to cope with the fact that I haven't seen him in over a year. I am only 13, my older sister 16 & younger brother 11.
I miss him so much. I wish that the pain would go away. Doesn't help that he left a note but didn't leave a will either. Family has been torn apart. I get so pissed off when the snobby kids in my class talk about how they hate their fathers because they didn't buy them the new IPhone for their birthdays and how they wish they could kill themselves. Whatever. My heart goes out to all of you.
I miss him so much.
He was so funny. So charming. So full of love.
Mental illnesses kill people.

• by Grace Magliolo
• 10 years ago

My father shot himself 22 years ago. I found him although I was fine after that it has now hit me like never before going thru depression. I miss him so much now and I am jealous wen I see others with their dad's. Fathers day is unbearable for me and I cry so much for him now. I don't know why but I sometimes feel him regretting what he did wherever he may be. I love you so much papa.

• by Bill, Reno NV
• 10 years ago

My / our dad committed suicide when we were 21 (twins) and little brother was 13. He shot himself. I am sure he suffered from depression but that was untreated in the 60's. To this day I hate him for what he did, yet love him for the little time he did spend with us when he wasn't drunk on the couch. We never went fishing, played softball, basketball, card games or went hiking. Drinking was what he enjoyed. I don't remember that he ever said I love you or remember him kissing and loving mom. But still know him as the only father I knew. I am 65, I think of this daily and to this day wonder /ask Dad were your sons not worth living for? As I read all these stories it is so sad and hurtful for a family member to do this, thanks, all for sharing. I hope this helps just one person to think.

• by Grantham
• 11 years ago

This poem touched my heart, my name is Daniel Moore and my dad called Danny Moore took his own life when I was only 5 years old I don't know why but he died on 2005/9/9 he took his own life 6 days after my birthday and this word is always in my mind WHY though!.

• by Kenosha, Wisconsin
• 11 years ago

It was two weeks after my birthday on July 2, 2012 when my dad decided to commit suicide in my moms apartment with me at age 13 and my brother at the age of 12. I found him in my laundry room when my mom was at work. My brother and I were home alone when I found him he decided to shoot himself in the head. Now I feel so alone and I just can't believe how selfish he was but I sort of understand he was in so much pain. I miss him so much though!

• by Arwen, Texas
• 12 years ago

My dad killed himself Jan. 2004 when I was 21 years old. I don't think about his manner of death everyday anymore but I will never get over no badly I miss him. I found this poem when I searched "searching for my dads suicide note" in Bing. My mother said my dad's mother mailed his suicide note to her but she didn't feel like I should see it, and I've been searching for it ever since. I feel like if I just knew why, Even if the why doesn't justify anything I could stop feeling like there is a gaping wound in my chest. I could fill it somehow. I am the proud mother of a 2 year old that he will never meet. I show her his picture, it's healing for me too. I can imagine the kind of love he would have for her. It breaks my heart he never met his first granddaughter. If he would have just waited a few years. If he would have just called me. My life is incomplete without my dad.

• by Crystal, Maryland
• 12 years ago

My children's father tried to take his life on July 3, 2012.. for almost 2 days he was in the hospital brain dead. On July 5th he passed away. We have a 4 year old and a now 3 year old that had a birthday just 2 weeks after. This Saturday is his birthday. It has been hell. This poem is beautiful I only wish people could see what hurt they would cause before doing such selfish acts. My kids are struggling. I am struggling. Today it has been 2 months and its still so unreal. Please think about your loved ones. Whether you think its for the best or not most times its not. I wish I could go back and stop him. No one ever thinks how bad someone is doing. It hurts that now my children will grow up without him

• by Shannon, Virginia
• 12 years ago

On July 27, 2004 I received the worst news of my life, my dad who was 41 committed suicide. Such a young age and had never met his grandchildren. He now has two, a boy 5 and a girl 18 months. They would have made him so proud, I see him in them in the way they act or do something.
If you are thinking of suicide PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get help. We tried many times with my dad, but you have to want to get help. You are not alone and when you leave you leave many many many people here with questions and pain that you will never understand. I love my daddy and wished he could have been able to get help, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him.

• by Wendy Georgia
• 12 years ago

My dad took his life Feb 15, 2010 I miss him so much it hurts. I did not get to say goodbye to him. Hunters found him hanging from a tree with the back of his head gone. I don't understand why I miss him every day. It's hard if I could only talk to him one more time I still cry myself to sleep. I see him in my dreams and he is in my head all the time I just wish he would have said something to me or told me how he was feeling.

• by Scarlett, Arkansas
• 12 years ago

Lovely poem! Thank you for sharing. It reflects exactly how I'm feeling. My father took his own life 9 weeks ago at the age of 59. He was my best friend. I will forever struggle with the question Why......

• by Jennifer Hairston, Reston
• 12 years ago

On the Sunday January 22,2012 at 6:30 in the master bedroom of our family home my 76 year old father committed suicide. He shot himself once in the mouth and once in the chest while my 47 year old brother was asleep in the bedroom across the hall and my Mother was sitting down the hall in the family room. My Mother yelled to my brother that she thought my father had shot himself and to wake up and check on him because she has arthritis in her knees. He ran in the where my Father lay in the floor and told him, "he just wanted to die". He immediately called 911. My Father was pronounced dead at 8:30 am. He was an active 76 year old man with no health issues. We are now learning that he may have been suffering silently from depression and possibly may have been bipolar. My life has been turned inside out I struggled to breathe. What was once so easy is now the most difficult thing I know. Thank you for your stories and poems. Sorry for all your losses.

• by Jodie Farrell
• 12 years ago

My dad did this 20+ years ago and still to this day I miss him terribly. His life was falling apart when my mum and him separated and I guess he couldn't deal with it so he took the easy way out as he couldn't deal with the pain and to think about doing something like that is so easy but to do it's harder. I've been there many of times but one thing stops me and that's my 3 beautiful children. I know how it is to grow up with out a parent and I didn't want my ruggies to go thru the same life. It is selfish you never get past something like that but you learn to live with it and my step dad he passed away too by a heart attack not quiet 12 months ago. I only ever knew 2 dads and so don't want another one as the pain you go thru.

• by Jessica, Akron
• 12 years ago

The father of my twins boys took his life on 9/15/11- two days before their 11th birthday. No note- no warning. It has been so hard. Sometimes it feels like a dream. The poem was really nice to read.

• by K Rowe
• 13 years ago

I have in all honesty tried three times to end my life. On each occasion I have failed and woken in ICU. I still have thoughts of doing it again but then I found this poem and all of the comments attached to it. It all bought me to tears. I have a 11 year old daughter who I adore and who adores me. I have a 15 year old son who loves me like I love him. I am not a nut job or a person who would have ever conceived self harm but this year changed all of that. My wife left me after 24 years together and I lost my world with her. I left notes for the kids when I overdosed but reading your letters I don't think the notes would have made any difference to them. It may have explained why but not really. I don't know why your loved ones did what they did but I swear this to you all, it was never about hurting you it was all about stopping the pain that was so unbearable to them. Thank you all so very deeply for giving me perspective on what I hope I will never end up doing again.

• by Alan, Massachusetts
• 13 years ago

My father took his life with a gun in April 2010. It has been 18 months since he died and it still feels like yesterday. There are too many unanswered questions, He left no note. It still hurts like the day I found out. Thank you for posting this poem.

• by Chris, Arkansas
• 13 years ago

This hit home real hard. I am a suicide survivor also 2 times now. On May 28, 1994 my dad shot himself and died on the 29th. It was hard to deal with. I was 21. And then again I lost another family member to suicide. November 19, 2008 my big brother committed suicide. This time I went into a hard depression state for awhile. Things are better now but they will never be perfect without them. Thanks for posting this poem.

• by Heather
• 13 years ago

My father took his life Jan. 23 2009 there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. I just wish that we all know why they had to do it

• by Chris
• 14 years ago

This poem is really close to me, my dad took his own life shortly after my mother lost her battle with cancer, they were utterly devoted to each other, he was utterly lost without her, part of me understands why he made the choice but I do ask, "what about me, my siblings and my children". I have to believe he only considered his own pain that day, he cant have thought and comprehended how, we left behind would feel, if he had he wouldn't have ended his life, I just hope my mother and father are together again and I will see them again.

• by Mahira, Kenya
• 14 years ago

This really touched me. My dad took his life May 31 2002. I was only 14. It left us shattered. life seemed to have stopped for me. I loved my dad very much. I remember him everyday in my prayers. Allah forgive Him and accept him in the heavens Amen

• by Linda
• 14 years ago

This poem has me in tears. It is a beautiful poem that says so much. My love and father of my daughter successfully completed his suicide on Jan 25th 2004. It is an event in our lives that has changes us forever. The pain our daughter feels is so much not even I really know all her pain. There was no note there was no warning. Now we do what we can for suicide prevention and awareness through the American Foundation For Suicide Prevention.

• by Jade Munro
• 14 years ago

This poem has been the closest I have ever read to being remotely how I feel. My father committed suicide when I was 12 which would be 16 years ago. The hardest thing is to accept why and try to move on as I feel guilty for being happy when I still miss him as much as I did the day he died 16 years ago. I know he was in pain and needed an escape its just so hard living life when you miss someone that much. There is no warning or good bye and all I wanted was to say I love you one last time and hear it from him in return. It has helped reading what everyone on here has written as now I know I'm not alone and others feel exactly the way I do. It's something I will never understand and its a pain that will stay with me all my life. I do my best to remember him the way I need to...happy. Thanks for sharing your stories as its helped me more than you could possibly know.

• by Jessie, Quebec
• 14 years ago

This poem really touched me. My father committed suicide exactly a year ago today and it's very difficult for me and my family. He didn't leave a note either. I wish he would have chosen a different path, I miss him so much.

• by Martha, California
• 14 years ago

April 19, 2009 the saddest day for me to face. I found my boyfriend dead. He committed suicide and still I wished I knew why? It was so difficult for me to accept that he wasn't happy and I didn't know why. He was always so strong and ready for the world. He changed my life made me smile and showed me how to love. All of a sudden in a heart beat he was gone. Sometimes I wonder if they know what pain they have caused. I miss him so much. I hope you know a day doesn't go by that I don't think about you. I miss you truly.

• by Miranda, Olympia
• 14 years ago

Back January 1, 2008. My cousin Travis passed away. But he didn't just pass away he also took me with him when he went. He committed suicide. When I found out I dropped to my knees and the tears poured from my eyes. It just felt like the life was just sucked right out of me. My heart ached. The pain was like a butcher knife stabbing me in the heart. Oh how it hurt. It hurt so bad. I miss him so much. All I want is for him to be home again with me. I wish he was here to hit me in the hallways at school and say "what's up Shorty". Nobody calls me Shorty anymore because they know that it hurts me. OMG I miss him so bad it's not funny. Travis, if you can hear me I love you and miss you terribly. Well thanks for listening to my story.

• by Kristye
• 15 years ago

Hey. this poem is so lovely. My father took his own life last year and I really miss him each and every day. and time doesn't make the hurt any better. I always swore I would never even attend his funeral but when he was gone and when I finally decided to accept that I would never speak or see him again. I felt exactly like your poem. I'm only 16 was 15 when dad died. He didn't leave a suicide note but he told me what he was going to do. He told me and my mum. I miss him each and every day and October 3rd would've been his birthday. Your poem hits the question of why spot on. It's awesome.

• by melinda
• 15 years ago

I too can relate to this poem. My dad took his life when I was 15 years old and I spent YEARS blaming myself. I too am now an adult with a child of 14 years. She is my world and my life. But depression from be it mental, or physical pain or whatever is horrible. I wish I could have helped him but it would have only prolonged it. He is at peace finally and I have to remember him the way I want to - the good times...if you are considering suicide please for your family and loved ones..get help.

• by Jess
• 15 years ago

This poem really brought me to tears. My father overdosed Sept 18th of last year after being sick since '93. He had so many health problems and he always told us he was sick of being sick. I think of him daily. I am almost 21 years old. I am just now starting a family. I am 6 months pregnant and he will never get to hold his granddaughter or he won't be there on my wedding day...

• by Shawna
• 15 years ago

This really touched me. My dad took his life Jan 24, 2009. I just recently mustered up the courage to visit his grave. Not a day goes by that I do not think of him. I know he is in heaven with his mom and dad, and brother who took his life three months prior to my dad. If he only knew the pain my four sisters and I have had to endure. I think of him daily.

• by Desirea
• 15 years ago

I know how you feel, my father committed suicide when I was 15 just 2 short months before my 16th birthday. It's very hard for me even now almost 5 years later. I must say that writing poems and songs and things of that nature has helped me quiet a bit.

• by dylan
• 15 years ago

This remind me of my best friend it's not fair that they don't know how much they are loved and will be missed

• by Jennifer Giermanski
• 15 years ago

I love this poem, it's just the most selfish thing to do. Yet they think they are helping us by taking themselves out of our lives. They usually feel like failures. This happened to my Dad May 1992 will never get over it... will always endure. Looking forward to see him again

• by kelly
• 15 years ago

I loved this poem. My husband decided to end his life this time last year and left behind 5 beautiful children. Maybe if had known the heartbreak that would trail after he was gone. My children miss him so very much.

• by David Wright
• 16 years ago

Loved the poem. It just may have changed my mind about suicide. I am a father of two, one 16 and the other 4. This poem really touched my heart and may have kept me from breaking my daughter's heart.

• by DB
• 16 years ago

This poem is so touching. I had the same thing occur with my dad. My condolences to the writer of this poem.

• by vicky bloomfield
• 16 years ago

This poem so reminds me of what I went through with my dad. I feel exactly the same as you. Suicide is so cruel I rack my brains all the time to find out why???