Because He Loves Cocaine

• by Constantino Marliscel, New Hampshire
• 2 years ago

Hey there, my name is Stotleen. I know it's time since the poem was posted, but thanks for the living art. My friend's mom was a drug addict. She was into alcohol and some dark sniffing substantial stuff I barely know. She was struggling with getting a job overtime. Living in the fourth street was tough around all the drug mingling peers and all the pleasure. I love to spend most of my holidays at my friend's and I was soon happy when "mom" got the job after 6 years of struggling. She was on working the register for two days before she could receive her paycheck. She came home drunk and went directly to sleep and refused to eat. The following morning, we had to wake her up as she was getting late for work, but she had already reached her demise. I had to take my friend at our church where we both received some therapy until now life's moving on. I'm inspired by your poem. It's a magnum opus that fills the hearts of many.

• by Ashley Marilynne Wong
• 6 years ago

This is a beautiful and heart-wrenching poem. The reader can feel the person's desperation and heartbreak. Well done.

• by Cassidy Nicole Pilkington
• 6 years ago

My dad and mom did meth, and they struggled with marijuana. I lost my dad to that. He let the drugs take over, and now I am sitting in foster care for a 3rd year and getting adopted in the summer of 2018 with all 8 of my siblings. My dad's not dead. He's just in and out of prison, and he is a sex offender. He abused me and my siblings, and he let the drugs take over him and ruin his life and my relationship with him. He has held a gun to my head so many times, and I thought I was going to die. He forced me to do drugs with him. I did marijuana with him and had alcohol. I would get high and almost overdosed 3 times and my dad nearly overdosed and killed himself like 37 times. He is turning 40 in May and still does drugs. He let it take over.

• by Danielle
• 7 years ago

I understand where your hurt comes from because my family has been through the same road. It's a road that feels like it will never stop, a road that is too far gone. It is hard to believe that it can get any better and that love can push through all the yelling and screaming. My hope lies in the Lord's hands. Our journey for my family is still before the brink of the turn around, but I believe that Jesus will pull us through and our story will help others, too. I don't know how long it will be, but I just know in my heart that it is NOT the end and God is NOT done with my family. I pray the light comes. I know that with my Lord above that healing is possible and that PEACE is on the way. Just got to have faith and try my very best to use kind words, even when all I feel is hate of what drugs have done to my family. I know God is using this hardship as a blessing in disguise because he can help make what's wrong and turn it into a message for the good. God will provide. Thank you, Lord!

• by SarahHamilton
• 7 years ago

It eats my soul,
Makes me so cold and all alone.
It lies to me, and makes it so hard to breathe.
I am drowning now, up and down.
Tears are gone, spent a thousand days ago.
I hear how it's the hole I dug.
Can't they see, I am not alone here?
No pity for me, only for the innocent.
I don't hope anymore,
I don't truly feel anything; it owns me.

This was written seven years ago, the day before getting help...7 years of sobriety. When I look at this it reminds me how dark that place really was.

• by A Vo
• 7 years ago

To my children, I know life doesn't seem fair to you guys right now and that's entirely my fault. Don't ever think that either one of you is to blame for why things are the way they are. I fell into this disease addicted lifestyle on my own and way before you two were brought into this world. I'm not trying to justify my actions. I'm owning up to them and ashamed of myself for the destruction it's caused the family. I wish I could snap my fingers and wake up thinking that this was all a nightmare. Too bad life doesn't work that way. The only thing that I don't regret is having you two. From the moment you two were brought into this world you guys have brought me so much love and happiness. So much that being away from you guys for long periods of time is like a stepping into quick sand. The more I try to fight the feeling, the deeper I get. As I sink, I am just frustrated and sick to my stomach with myself for letting things get this out of hand.

143 L and J
Love your father,
A V

• by Armande Cohen, PA
• 10 years ago

My 25 year old son was addicted to alcohol, drugs, food, round the clock role-playing video games, you name it. They started after a breakdown precipitated by his father. Since he became violent with me, he had to move in with that same father (I wasn't able to prevent it, because special foster care is so hard to come by and I was unable to persuade anyone his father's household was dangerous to him).
I had no communication with him thanks to his father, but sensed something was badly wrong and getting worse, and only years later did I discover he was drinking and years after that about all the other stuff. That was when he finally "came home" - here - after he finally dropped out of college at the end of his Jr Year. I checked his Facebook page and saw a giant "FAILURE [when your best isn't good enough"] poster instead of his profile picture.
I knew he was suicidal and called his doctor and the campus police, and only narrowly through many manipulations was I able to get him to drive back safely - supposedly to help me clean up our house (having become physically disabled, I was unable to manage it). Instead I discovered all the addictions - and, of course, the house got much worse as did my own state of mind and finances.
Finally after 15 months he was able to persuade his father (affluent) to pay for a month of quality detox, followed by rehab and support group living (holding a job). He's been clean for 2 1/2 a half years and is finally on the point of returning to college. I've been feeling pretty encouraged, but watching this video and reading these entries I suddenly felt a death-grip of fear, that he may relapse once he leaves his support group behind and is under the stress of university again (if he weren't so smart he could never have gotten so far before despite his addictions and mental illness).

• by M.R.B, Bronx
• 10 years ago

Hi, I am a 34 yr. old mother of 2, with 1 on the way. The father of my unborn is highly addicted to cocaine. I have known numerous users throughout my life, but it doesn't affect you the same until it hits home. My son's father/boyfriend use to preach, and now I need him to practice it. His habit is so bad that he disappears for weeks at a time with no contact whatsoever! It is extremely scary, and exhausting. He says he wants help, but literally goes on binges as soon as he gets those words out. I don't know what to do. Our child will be born soon, and its not his first child. I love him with everything in me, but I love the children more and myself. This is the most horrible feeling to be pregnant, and broken. I have the worst anxiety. At this very moment, I don't know if he's alive or not! I won't give up on helping him, but I don't know what to do being that I can't make him go to rehab. He is completely out of control. I don't want to have to tell my son about who his father was. I want him to be alive to show his son the great father he could be.

• by Anna, Alberta
• 10 years ago

I used to be so close to my dad. We spent every second together, then I turned 11. I remember every single detail, my mom beckoning me away saying we had a "girls party" to keep Daddy away, the endless car ride, the aching feeling in my stomach. "Anna, your dad's an addict. He's been using cocaine, Chrystal meth and other drugs," the words of my mother still echoed in my mind. I am mortified with the realization that this man I know isn't my dad, that the drugs and addiction is eating away at his kind, forgiving heart. "Your dad is fighting an illness," they told me. Then they sent him away from me for a year. I know it may seem like not much of a punishment, but for a 11 year old who loves her Daddy as much as she loves anything else in the world it hurts. But in the end on that glorious day he returned from rehab for the first time in the 4 years of addiction I was my father, not endless nights of wondering where my dad might be partying, or the fathers days he was too drunk to celebrate.

• by Suffering Man, London Uk
• 10 years ago

Literally burst out in to tears when I read this still can't stop , you have summed up my life for the past 6 years I can't stop. I can't help myself. I have no life anymore, no girlfriend just a lovely daughter and it tears me apart every day. I'm so alone only thing that helps me is coke.

• by A T
• 11 years ago

This explains exactly what I'm going thru my dad comes in and thinks he got away with it but I see it in his eyes...

• by Crystal, Georgia
• 11 years ago

Wow, that poems sums everything up so well. I couldn't have written it better myself, but it is my life. My sons dad is an addict. Pills and cocaine are his drug of choice. My son is just three years old. Drugs are the only reason we are not a family anymore and I am by myself raising our son alone. No one understands what its like the loneliness inside. No one can even imagine what it's like unless they have been through it. Thank you for sharing this poem. Loving an addict is probably one of the hardest things to do in life especially when you are the mother of their child but they choose drugs over their family.

• by Lee Arthur
• 11 years ago

I just lost my 24 year old son to addiction. Pain meds took everything he had. Didn't even have shoes when he came home. Went to rehab and cleaned up for several months. Was attending church regular..rebuilding relationships with our family and really enjoying having our son back. Then one day one of the "old friends" came by. Gave him some pills and he died in his sleep. The law doesn't even care. Prescription meds are killing more people than guns but no one cares. The law and the politicians just turn there heads.

• by Elizabeth Blasiman
• 11 years ago

Thank you for the poem. It makes me realize even more that I am not alone. My husband is an alcoholic, and it is tearing apart our marriage and our family. We are constantly fighting now, and at the root of every fight is his addiction to alcohol. Knowing that you and your children do not come first to someone that comes first in your life has been such a struggle for me and the kids. My husband and I are getting ready to celebrate our 11th anniversary on New Year's Eve. For the first time in our marriage, I am thankful he is working that day. I pray everyday that he sees the light and he comes back to us.

• by Rebecca Harrell
• 12 years ago

My mom was an alcoholic when I was in 6th grade and I had to live with my aunt and grandmother for 2 years. I know that isn't as bad as cocaine but its still painful. I felt like no one loved me. But now she is doing better! Good luck I will pray for you!

• by Miranda, Wichita Falls
• 12 years ago

This poem is absolutely beautiful. I wrote a poem similar to this about ten years ago when my daughter was born and her father was addicted to meth. Her father is now in prison, and I have become an opiate addict. Addiction ruins lives, and I certainly feel your pain. Beautiful words, though.

• by Vanessa
• 12 years ago

I have pretty much lost my dad. He has been fighting this addiction for as long as I can think of. It sucks cuz everyone else had given up on him besides me. I'm still there but as of right now he needs to change he has been going to this clinic but see he's been there many times while he was going there I told him I would take care of his house but damn I wasn't thinking about my daughter I don't want her to see her GRAMPY her ONLY grampy go down this road. I love him but just have a feeling he will never change. This has put him through family problems. He thinks I'm against him but if only he knew he has been STRUGGLING with bills and finance I don't know what else to do any more I pray and pray but nothing has changed :.( it sucks. One thing is for sure I've never given up on him and God the lord up above. Whoever is going through the same problem and that some one has changed please tell me your side of story thanks really appreciate it.

• by Caitlin, England
• 12 years ago

That is beautiful. My heart goes out to you and I hope that things get better. But truly, you poem was beautiful and it really touched me.

• by Katherine, Canada
• 12 years ago

I am an addict of 15 years I'm 35 years old, and am in recovery now for two months. As an addict we do not see what's going on around us. We think of one thing and that is what can help me not feel like this today. I'm speaking for myself only because we all have a story to tell. It's much deeper then just being an addict it's what got us to that point. For anyone with a friend or loved one who has an addiction the first thing I would suggest is get them in detox so they can start with a clean fresh mind. Then It goes from there you build up a support system or get into rehab, I went 3 times and no one gave up on me, abandonment is my reasoning for addiction along with much more. I really do feel sorry for all of you who are dealing with addicts. My heart goes out to all of you truely. Please do not ever give up there is hope and people who can help.

• by Kiarae, CA
• 12 years ago

My dad is addicted to speed, being in and out of prison. He has a whole new family, a new wife, two new daughters, and two new sons. They aren't even his blood kids. It just his wife's children, which, by the way, he claims more than he claims his own blood kids. Sometimes I wonder if he regrets his old wife, his old two daughters and his old four sons. When my baby brother died, he was clean and started showing up in our lives again, but it didn't last for more than a week. I remember a time when I was three and I was waiting for him at the dinner table to get home from work, as soon as I heard the door opening I would run to him and yell, "daddy" I think that is the only good memory of him that I have, that's the only memory I like to reminisce on. Any other memory I have of him I made myself forget.

• by Marion, IN
• 13 years ago

I just cried reading this because its me. I know its a wife talking to her husband/boyfriend but if you look at it like it's his daughter than that's me. My father is addicted to Cocaine. He didn't start until he moved next door to his friend that is one of the biggest coke heads in my town. Anyways my father was drunk and I was over there for the weekend and he had his step brother over there and he tried to get me and my friend to do the drug and I snatched it from him and threw it down the stairs. He was so drunk he told his brother to go get it from down stairs and I walked into the kitchen and he came in and grabbed me and I flung him across the room and he fell. I ran outside with my friend and we called my mom it was 2:00 am and she didn't answer so we decided to go get all my stuff and walk the 3 blocks home. When we got home I was in tears I called the cops and they are looking for him now. This isn't the first time. He just found out that he has a 4 year old son. My luck

• by Thalia, Washington State
• 13 years ago

It doesn't matter what the addiction is to the feeling of the spouse is the same. In my case it was crystal meth. I wish I could say how it feels when he finally, after all those tears and prayers, quit for good. But I lost my husband to the addiction and the other
diseases it brought with it.
It is so hard to live the life she is describing but I hope that she and all of those others who are in this situation will hold on to the hope of recovery for their loved one. It is harder than anything to stay with them, to love them and to hope for them.
But although my husband never got clean his best friend/dealer did and now by the grace of God, prison time, hard work and a loving family is clean. He keeps struggling but keeps his faith and this has made me realize that it is possible to get there.
Never give up even if you feel that the only way out of the pain is your own death. Keep your baby close to you and keep praying.

• by Blenon, Benin (Ouidah City)
• 13 years ago

First of all, I would like to thank you seriously for that vivid poem for it reminds me a friend of mine. He was a drug addict too and constituted a real problem for we his friends but eventually, we overcame it by giving him advice and collaborating more with him. Cheer on so!

• by Elaine Louch
• 13 years ago

Your poem is amazing. What I wanted to comment on most was the line "I'm not good enough". Don't ever think that because it's not true.
I was severely addicted to cocaine...but I've been clean over 20 years, but it is an extremely hard drug to quit.
He needs to get help...and as hard as it is...your first responsibility is to protect yourself & your baby.
I sincerely wish you the best.

• by Autumn, NJ
• 13 years ago

Just want to say "WOW" you managed to sum up all the feeling I have in one poem. It seems like we are the same person. The only difference, we have a 2 year old daughter. Good luck and you are in my prayers.

• by Heather, MS
• 13 years ago

my boyfriend of a year and a half is a drug addict. we live together so I know how it is to get lied to about where he is and where his money goes. He is now in rehab and will be there for 6 months-1 year. The day he left, he did cocaine. Nothing seems to take away all the pain and crap we have been through and it would have killed him if he wouldn't have left. I am sticking by him because I love him. we are soul mates but he knows this rehab is the only way that we will ever be able to have a life together. He has to learn how to live life without drugs. He is a great person but the drugs have taken him over. I know how great he is and I know he can do it. drugs are the devils medicine. God will help him get through it and hopefully he will never look back

• by Alyce, New Whiteland
• 13 years ago

I understand this completely. My father was a drug abuser and will be for the rest of his life. I've tried to convince him but he loves the drug more than his own daughter...but it's whatever. Good luck to you, I hope things all work out. I know this really good rehab place called The Family Compass...he might actually like it there.

• by Lesa, USA
• 13 years ago

I know that I have done the same beg for him to choose me over it ..I loose every time

• by Lori, USA
• 13 years ago

This is very touching. I have lived this poem, I have cried the tears and I have worried for my son in all the same ways. Thank you for so beautifully putting it into words..

• by Lexie, US
• 13 years ago

Everything said in this poem is true. I felt the exact same. But instead it was my Dad doing drugs. I loved him so much and I felt every part of it was my fault. I felt he choose drugs over me. His own Daughter. I was about 8 when he started. But before that he was my role model. He was in the church. He knew so much about the bible, and to me that was a lot, cause I was raised in the church. I prayed and prayed for him. Yea some people would say I was to young to know the lord like that, but no I wasn't. I sometimes cried myself to sleep at night thinking about him and all the HELL he put me, my mom and my brother through. I knew I couldn't tell any of my friends even not my Best Friend. But finally he got in the church when I was in 8th grade. Now I thank GOD everyday for what he did. GOD is TRULY POWERFUL.

• by Sarah, North Ridgeville Oh
• 14 years ago

This poem touched me. My boyfriend is a drug abuser and I just can't get him to stop. We have a 4 month old baby. We've been together 4 years and I'm only 19. I know how you feel but I never found the words to express it the way you were able to.

• by Nezzie, Denver
• 14 years ago

You have written a fantastic poem, it sounds like it came from your heart. I myself have never used cocaine, but I am a recovering alcoholic, and that was hard to beat, have you tried giving him an ultimatum, it's either the cocaine, or his family. You have to give him tough love and never feel sorry for him, because that is what they prey on, and mean what you say, or else (forgive me for saying this), but if he doesn't quit he'll either end up in jail or die. Maybe you need to talk to someone like a group for support, it will make you stronger, and maybe he will join you. Good Luck

• by Hertfordshire
• 14 years ago

This is a very moving poem, I'm only 13 and it nearly made me cry! This poem has made me think twice about drugs, I don't want my friends and family to ever go through that much pain it sounds awful!

• by Marisa, Texas
• 14 years ago

This actually made me cry...it is so true I am going through it now and we have a baby...I just don't know what to do to help him...the drug is so much more important then us...I have been dealing with it off and on for 9 years but it's different now cuz I have to think of my baby...I don't want her to go through the pain that he has put me through...I love him with all my heart and this is gonna be the hardest thing I have ever went through but I have to pack up and leave...enough is enough and I'm tired of being alone for days and crying all night...

• by Carmen, Lancster PA
• 14 years ago

This story is so true. I have been through it before with my sons dad. drugs can really mess up a relationship! its so sad!

• by Katie, Oregon
• 14 years ago

Wow that is an amazing but horribly true poem. I'm sorry you went through that I almost lost my mom because she was addicted to crystal meth for 10 years. It killed me, but now she is a happy grandmother so I guess it turned out well, but I wish it would have never happened. GOOD LUCK and always remember when it feels that no-one is there God always is

• by Crystak
• 15 years ago

I lost my best friend, my fiancé, my children's father to the disease of addiction. This poem put into words the feelings of despair I felt trying to save his life. Thank you for reminding me how much I have to be thankful for, it has been 4 years and sometimes I forget the intensity of those feelings, the same feelings I use as fuel to keep pushing forward. Best of luck to you and God Bless.