Hopeful

I wake up
Once again I feel the pain in my chest
Like something is missing
Like I am drowning.
I need air
You are the air.
You are missing.
Because my mind tries to forget you
Tries to hate you
But no matter what
You are still there
In my head
Surrounding my bones
Filling my heart
Temporarily
I say temporarily because it's fake
My idea of you
The thought of you
You aren't actually in those scenarios that I like to think about
That stay in my head
That fill my heart
I have to keep reminding myself
Reminding myself they aren't real
The idea I have ever so created
Is not real
You only exist as someone who doesn't like me back
And that pain continues to dig
Dig deeper than ever before
The pain surrounds my bones
And fills my heart
Permanently
Quietly
I want to scream
What did I do wrong?
Is it my fault?
Nothing comes out of my mouth
My voice is shattered
Missing.
I stare at you once more
With the smile on your face
The way you look at me
I am waiting for the moment
The moment where i look back
And I feel nothing
No butterflies
No heart drops
Just nothing
Because then that would mean I would have moved on
That would mean I would be able to come to terms with the fact that you don't like me
That you feel nothing for me
So I'm not standing there
Hopeless
In pain
Pain that should be temporary.
I started praying
Praying for a chance
A chance with you
So that pain turns into happiness
And butterflies fill my bones
And my heart feels whole
So I can stare at you
With a smile
And not have any fear
Just a feeling of comfort
Safety
And I wake up the next day
But this time
All that pain is gone
Permanently.
Time will have to tell.
But that fear lingers
Telling me
'It may never happen'
And I'm not ready to accept that
Because I only want you.