Poems by Debbie Leads

Days of endless struggle.
More hopeful pills today,
Trying to appear "normal"
In some sort of way.

It seems that the struggle
Is always here with me,
And I wouldn't be here now
If guilt would leave me be.

I know there's been many
Who've had it worse than I,
But that doesn't always mean
That I wouldn't say good-bye.

People say I have a lot going for me.
I'm sorry, but I just can't see.
I can't see because my worst enemy
Is not my life but inside of me.

Always on a roller coaster,
Not much consistency.
I'm nothing if I'm not up or down.
I'm nothing if just "me."

Very little energy,
Wanting to stay in bed,
Wishing to be enthusiastic
Instead of feeling like I'm made of lead.

Wanting to be excited,
Wanting to care for more,
But when nothing makes sense,
It's hard to focus on the poor.

Cluttered mind, cluttered thinking.
It's hard to keep in touch
With what is happening around me
And not to worry too much.

I feel that everybody is better than me
And that I can't do anything right.
This is how I've felt my whole dang life;
It didn't just start last night.

No confidence, no self-esteem.
Everybody else is right.
To speak my mind is to be a fool,
So I just try to "sit tight."

Any one of these problems
Would be a heavy vice,
But when you have them ALL
Living seems like a roll of the dice.

Make sure to call mama on Mother's Day,
Her birthday and the rest.
You know she's sitting by the phone
Wishing you all the best.

She doesn't want to bother you,
So she waits for YOU to phone.
She has so much free time now.
Most of it spent alone.

She knows you are very busy now,
With work and kids and wife.
She helps you out whenever she can.
She is the one who gave you life.

The years go by, so fast they fly.
The years just never stop.
She has joined the local church and
At local thrift stores she shops.

Luckily, you have an organized wife
Who sends the cards you sign.
You moved away for job prospects,
Not because you wanted to leave her behind.

She quietly lives her life,
Puttering around the yard,
Thinking of ways she could help you
And cherishing your beautiful cards.

Whenever you think of her,
Please listen and take the time,
Because I would give everything I have
For just five minutes with mine.

My sweet, wonderful child

What color were your hair and eyes?
How soft was your face?
I think that you're the best there is
I'm sure you think I'm a disgrace.

Would you have loved like your grandma?
Caring, Selfless, not like me?
Would you have been a happy child?
Would science have been your hobby?

I don't have words to tell you how sorry I am
And how I wish I could change what I did
At the time I didn't know the ramifications
At the time I was just a kid.

I have never felt so sorry and helpless
Regret is all I feel
I can't put you back together
And allow you to heal.

What were you doing in me
When your last heartbeat came?
You were 100% dependent on me
And I put out your flame.

If I could trade places with you
I would do it in a second
But at this point you might be lucky one
Because with God you are present.

I will never be able to think of you
Without sorrow in my heart
But deep down inside
We have never been apart.

Jesus Christ has shown me
That even though what I did wasn't right
I can still receive forgiveness
And end my innermost fight

I don't know if you will ever forgive me
All I can do is wait and see
For the moment that my Earthly life ends
And you will finally see me

Are you going to approach me with gladness?
Or will hate be in your heart?
I would not blame you
If you had no forgiveness to impart

I hope that since God has forgiven me
You can do it, too
Forgiving myself as been tough, as well
The toughest thing I ever did do.

I look forward to the day
When Jesus and my family will be together
We will laugh and sing and jump for joy
Because we will all be in heaven

Daddy, it never occurred to me.
That you might die without changing your ways.
I guess it was the little girl in me.
That always thought that you'd change someday.

You'd change and become that father I always wished for,
You'd give me advice, love me unconditionally
You'd make me proud to tell people who you were
And you'd also be proud of me.

I'd look forward to being with you,
And you'd look forward to time with me,
You'd plan neat outings
Or we'd just watch TV

We'd look forward to vacations
With stability and peace of mind
We'd all want to go
Nobody would be left behind

You'd be sad when I got married
Because my time you'd have to share
Walking me down the aisle would be tough,
Almost too much to bear.

You'd go to church to pray for us
A family man you'd be
You'd know all about me
Including all of my dreams

Still, inside, I know that you cared about me
A few good things I remember
But I wish with regards to mental illness
That you would not have just surrendered.

It's easy to point fingers at you,
Again and again and again
It's also easy for me
to dream about what could have been.

From your daughter, Debbie

Sometimes I look at the stars, Lord, and wonder if you're there.
I have so many questions for you; I have so much to share.
Sometimes I feel your presence, sometimes I feel you're near.
If I tell you how empty I feel, would you still be there to hear?
Sometimes I think back and realize how far I have come,
From feeling like nothing, to feeling like "I'm the one!"
Sometimes I feel that the only one I can trust is "me."
If only I could trust again, Lord, if only I could believe.
Honestly, Lord, I'm tired of being on the fence,
And honestly, Lord, sometimes things just don't make sense.
I'm asking you now, dear Lord, would you please
Send me something that is certain to convince me.
Sometimes I don't think it's fair to make us guess so much
And so much of all of this seems like it's just luck.
We are supposed to have faith but not base it on much.
I need more than that; I want something I can touch.
Sometimes I feel that you gave us a brain to use,
But the more I use it, the more I am confused.