Remorse Is Forever

• by Zainab Oman
• 4 years ago

I had several abortions in the 1980s. I was young and very stupid. I woke one morning and the guilt hit me real hard. I started drinking a lot and thought I was going to lose my mind. I prayed hard to God to forgive me, but I am still carrying the guilt today. For anyone considering abortion, please give that soul a chance, even if it is giving the child up for adoption. Nobody should play God but God. I am still praying to God and hoping that I am forgiven. I also ask for forgiveness from my children that I killed. I may have been ignorant, but they were given to me to take care of and I did not. I am still suffering, and counseling has not helped over all the decades.

• by Esnah K Siko
• 5 years ago

My name is Esnah Siko, a Kenyan college student and firstborn in a family of five. In my second year, I became pregnant from my ex-boyfriend. I informed him about it. He decided I should abort, and he was to do the whole procedure. I insisted I would keep the baby. I even wanted to run away from home. I didn’t want to abort. I was in pain and confused. I tried to convince him, and I thought we agreed. He called me, saying he wanted to meet up at his house, so I went, trusting we could talk things over, but instead he locked me up in the room and made me undergo a home abortion using the natural abortion pills. I tried to scream, cry, and beg, but he yelled at me saying he wasn’t ready to subject me to motherhood, claiming I was still a student and the pregnancy would interfere with my academic and career life, and my family as well. That night as I left his house, I cursed him for what he did. It was a painful experience, but I confided in my mom who prayed with me and helped me recover from the experience.

• by Lucy
• 7 years ago

I was 21 when I fell pregnant and I didn't know what to do. I wasn't in a relationship; he was a boy I worked with, and he was horrible from the moment he found out I was pregnant. I wanted to keep my baby, but he was adamant I couldn't. He told me if I kept my baby it would ruin his life and asked how I could do that to him! I felt I had no choice, so I had the abortion. It was 11 years ago now, and I have tried counseling, but that doesn't work. I have constant regret and wish I hadn't done it. I remember the date I found out I was pregnant, the date I had the abortion, and the date he would have been born. It's coming up to that date soon (November 24th), and it never gets easier. Never ever have an abortion for someone else because they won't be there for you after!

• by Giavanna
• 7 years ago

I had an abortion 5 months ago and I have not stopped regretting it or wishing I could take back that day. My fiancé (the father of my unborn child) passed away 2 weeks before I went in to have the procedure. I lost my best friend, my partner, my lover, my first real love, my soul mate. He was there one day, and the next he was gone. We both wanted our child. I wasn't in a good state of mind. I was angry, in shock, and defiantly was not okay to make that type of decision. Everyone kept telling me to have an abortion, his family and mine, due to the father being deceased. It broke my heart that no one believed in me that I could be a widowed mother raising a baby on my own. My own mother told me to have an abortion, and she herself raised us on her own, so that hurt me even more. I wish I had someone besides myself telling me I can do it. My fiancé was great; he supported me. But that support was never gonna be there again since he went to heaven. To all women who don't have support, you can do it.

• by Kutlwano
• 8 years ago

I had an abortion yesterday ... I regret it but console myself by not having my baby live the difficult live I live.

• by Wanda
• 8 years ago

These are all tales of woe. The important message is that when you made the decision it was the right decision or you would not have made it. For every tale of a beautiful baby unborn there is a matching tale of a child born who has cost millions of dollars and taken up lifetimes of care and the baby is totally unaware that it is on the planet. You have to stop with all the guilt trips. Sometimes biology and social norms are just biology and social norms. The worst is when you let other people beat you up over it. Nobody knows what they would do unless it happens to them. I know that to have my first pregnancy play itself out would have ruined lives. Not just my own, so I don't see it as selfish...I see it as selfless....you are willing to do what is best for your situation without letting your emotions decide for you.

• by Jennifer Ashley
• 8 years ago

I was 21 when I had my first child. My husband but then boyfriend barely had enough money to support one child so when I got pregnant with my second a year later we felt like we had no other choice. We lived with my parents and I knew they would be extremely disappointed. I had an abortion and really didn't think much about it until I had my son 10 years later. I am forever remorseful and will regret that decision until the day I take my last breath. I don't know how to heal from this pain I am feeling so heavy on my heart. I am praying so hard everyday for God to please forgive me. I know he forgives me but I can't seem to forgive myself. I will always wonder who they might have been and what they would have looked like. Can someone please suggest some tools for healing? I am lost and don't know where to turn. Thank you.

• by Private
• 9 years ago

I was 25 and depressed, not thinking straight. I got pregnant and my boyfriend said he couldn't have a baby right now. I had nobody else I could talk to. I realize now at 40, that I have been carrying the wound of abortion for 15 years. I have never had another opportunity to have a baby. I regret this decision most of all.

• by Samantha, Florida
• 10 years ago

I'm 43, thought I was done having kids, but did not use protection. I found out I was pregnant , so scared, ashamed because I'm not married and didn't want to face anyone. So I got the abortion, part of me wanted it, part of me didn't. I hate myself, I could have kept my baby. I was desperate and didn't think of anyone but myself. I want my baby back, I can't stop crying, I hurt all over. I feel like dying everyday. Thanks for posting, it helps that someone out there knows how I feel.

• by Cape Town
• 10 years ago

Hey everyone...I cannot say that I feel the pain all you woman are going through. I'm married and pregnant with my 2nd baby...so excited and can't wait. I haven't had an abortion...or a miscarriage, but this poem touches me deep down to the core. Made me cry too just thinking about other moms that had to make this decision. It's so easy for the man to say get an abortion and terminate...at the end the woman is always left with the deep wounds. My friend was 6 months pregnant and she and her boyfriend went for a scan to see if it's a baby boy/girl...only to be told by the doctors that the baby has been dead in her for 2 days. She still had to carry her dead baby in her stomach for a few more days, she then gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, with no life. Hearing her pain was heartbreaking for me too. I know I don't really have the experience you guys have but I read to understand sometimes you don't really have to go through it to feel the pain they do, seeing it is enough to break once heart. Maybe not to the extent as the person suffering...

• by Michelle, Nl
• 10 years ago

I had a son, then accidentally got pregnant shortly thereafter. It was carelessness on my part and I regret it every day. But I've had 3 altogether. Carelessness mixed with wanting another child but then the older man I'm with using the guilt factors and financial factors, getting inside my insecure head. I will regret my actions for the rest of my life. I feel like Karma has a hit put out on me anytime anything good ever happens. Reading your poem has reminded me of how stupid and unforgiveable my actions were. I had the ability to love those babies, and I have so much deep guilt. And today I found out my brother and sister-in-law lost their little boy, she was 5 months along, delivered and held that sweet little boy. My heart is broken as it should be. I hate myself.

• by Mel, Philippines
• 10 years ago

I had an abortion last July 2013. I am supposed to give birth this month, March 2014. Lately I have been getting dreams of children and at the end of the dream, this one very pretty little girl stands up and stares at me. It is freaky actually even if she was very pretty. I did not think about the abortion for so many months but this month it is like a total meltdown. I am moody, irritated and very extremely remorseful. My mother is now head of an adopting agency and is adopting a foster child living with us for three years. I cannot reconcile the fact that she ordered me to have the abortion yet she will head an adoption agency and is so proud of the little boy she will be adopting. People have noticed I am cold to the child. Of course I can't tell them my secret. It is eating me up. Guilt, shame...I wish God will forgive me one day. Please, no matter how old you are, do not get an abortion.

• by Fayetteville
• 10 years ago

Hello my name is Stephanie. I'm 23 years old. I had an abortion April 23 2013. Me and my man friend had only known each other for about 4 months. I was at work and felt really sick so I went to the emergency room and I found out that I was pregnant. So I called him and told him to come up to the hospital. when he got there I told him I was pregnant and he came to the back with me. I was very hormonal I had to get an I.V. because I was very dehydrated and the first thing he said to me was you're having an abortion but he didn't say it just like that he cussed at me and told me that he didn't want to have a baby by me because we didn't know each other for long and because we was not financially stable. But yet me and him had jobs. A week after I had the abortion I started drinking really bad and I got a DUI. I spent three and a half months in jail away from my other two daughters. I definitely felt like God punish me and that was my punishment. I just got out of jail December 12th 2013 and 3 days ago I just found out that I'm pregnant again from the same man. He told me that he wanted me to have another abortion but yet he is sad about it. I'm not having another abortion if you don't want to be there I'll take care of my 3 by myself and God will help me. I think about my daughter or son everyday and heaven and I tell him or her that I love her or him very much and I'm sorry and I hope that you can forgive me.

• by Nick
• 11 years ago

I am a male and am very saddened. My sons mom and I just recently found out she is pregnant. I want nothing more then to keep the child but she is dead set on having an abortion. It hurts so bad that she wants to go through it, I will never know what our child will be like, and our son will never know his little brother or sister. Actually tomorrow is the day where she is supposed to have the abortion, I feel I have done everything morally in my power to try and have her change her mind. All I do is think about this and cry, I would give up anything to protect my children and for this to happen tomorrow is so painful. My life is dedicated to my son I have right now, and I would give anything for him to be healthy and alive, and I would do the same for this unborn child, but there is nothing I can do when the mother doesn't want it. Why does the fathers feelings and emotions and concerns not have any power in the laws eyes????????

• by Mary, Texas
• 11 years ago

I was 21 when I had my abortion. I was so scared to tell my mother fearing she would throw me out of the house. Like a coward, I took the easy way out, but I have regretted this for more than 40 years. I think about my baby everyday. I think about how he/she may have looked. I'll always carry my guilt. I hope God can forgive me because I can't forgive myself. The father was never able to have children in previous marriage so he could not believe it was his. He was the only man in my life at that time. But I was a coward. I hope my baby forgives me and I truly hope he/she is waiting for me in heaven.

• by Keli, Texas
• 11 years ago

It's been 2 years now and not a day goes by that I don't regret it. I am married and already had a 3 year old son, but when I told my husband I was pregnant again he said no no no. He said we must take care of it quickly. He said we could not afford another baby. He said he just wanted one child. He went with me to the abortion clinic, to be "supportive". That was two years ago. We have not had sex since. We sleep in different rooms. I'm mortified of getting pregnant and having to murder another baby. My marriage is sick. What we did was so selfish. When you're pregnant you don't ask where will the money come from, how will I take care of it, you just trust in God, like the millions of woman who have been scared bearing children before you. What, did I think I was the only woman in history who was pregnant and scared? If I could go back in time I would. My son still asks me sometimes if I'm going to have a baby so he can have a little brother or sister.

• by Kelly Ann, England
• 11 years ago

I am 17 and just had a medical abortion, I have been with my boyfriend now for over a year and accidentally got pregnant. I was 8 weeks and 4 days pregnant when I made the decision to have an abortion and I regret it so much now! I'm not the type to usually post on blogs but I feel that people need to know what you can feel like after. I feel selfish and stupid I thought I was too young to have a child and it wasn't the right time and I wouldn't be able to afford it and it would ruin mine and my boyfriends future and he agreed. The day I had the abortion I went to change my pad I saw my tiny baby lying there . It had fingers and toes its not just a fetus it's a life that we created and selfishly ended! Now I feel like a murderer and wish I could go back in time and keep the child instead. If people know they aren't ready for a child they should use protection not just the pill ( that's what I was on when I got pregnant) but condoms also then you may not make the wrong choice like I did.

• by Denise S
• 11 years ago

4 days ago I made the decision to abort. I am a single mom of 3 already. The pain and the tears will never stop. I made a very selfish decision that will live with me for the rest of my life. I will always wonder what if. I will always wonder what the baby would look like, whose eyes would he/she have. I regret my decision fully but somehow have to come at peace with the decision. It's killing me slowly, every minute, every hour of every day.

• by Arizona
• 12 years ago

I know it wasn't something that I was suppose to do but I was scared and so confused. I didn't know who to talk to about it and the guy that got me pregnant was really mean to me when I told him I was pregnant. He told me things that really hurt me!!!! Idk why I did it! I don't know what was I thinking! I just hope my baby forgives me one day...
A few days after I had the abortion I had a dream that it was a beautifully baby girl. She was beautiful!! I wish I could go back and have my baby in my arms because it's really hard for me to know that I took her life away when I didn't have the right to do something like that!! I think of my baby every day and I every night that I look at the stars at night I know that one of those stars is my beautiful baby girl!! God please forgive me!!

• by Brandy, New Boston
• 12 years ago

Bonnie from Mesa, I am praying for you! I was told once, that if you make a decision from selfless love, that you've made the right choice. Never make a decision from fear, you are no doubt stronger than you think. I am praying for strength, wisdom, and peace for you. With love.

• by Jana, Ireland
• 12 years ago

I had an abortion when I was 17. It was a one night stand and when I confronted the father he denied all knowledge. My mother took me to have it. Wasn't really any other option.
I have always been a partier since then and a little off the rails but when I was 26 I met a great guy and fell pregnant. We were over the moon. The pregnancy was ectopic and resulted in the loss off the baby and of one of my fallopian tubes. I was told that the chances of becoming pregnant were very slim and of carrying to full term was even less. Naturally I was upset and blamed myself. My relationship ended and I took off overseas. So this brings me here. I am 29 and 11 weeks pregnant but I am single and so scared. I want this baby but I am scared that I want it for the wrong reasons. My life has changed and I have made so many plans that don't include being a mother because I didn't think it was a possibility.
Look but if I don't have this baby I will hate myself.

• by Bonnie, Mesa Az
• 12 years ago

I am 6 weeks along and the father wants me to get an abortion that's all he really says. I have been thinking of keeping the baby after all these stories I know it will be hard either path I choose. I know it is not a good time and we don't have the money for it but I just don't know if I could live with myself if I do have the abortion. Me and the father aren't together anymore he says will get through it but I an very scared of what to do.

• by Kaylausa
• 12 years ago

I went to college. Had sex with this boy whom I barely knew. Needless to say that one encounter was all it took for me to get pregnant. I tried talking that morning after pill several days later. Days dragged on like months and everyday I wondered am I pregnant while waiting for signs of my menstrual cycle. My breast began to feel tender like never before and of course I though it was because my period would soon start. Days go by and no sign of my period. Labor day I decided to go get a pregnancy test come back home and take it. Of course it read positive. Really scared I immediately told my mother hoping to get some comfort. She was more so disappointed than anything. She took me to get two test and they both read positive. To make an even longer story short. My baby's father was not cooperating he had somehow made his mind think that he wasn't my baby's father and I was only trying to set him up. I felt like me having my baby would bring shame to all my love ones. I felt like I had no one and one wanted me to have my baby. So made the decision to abort. I carried my child for 10 weeks before I had an abortion. And almost half of those ten weeks consisted of severe morning sickness. Which kind of made me want to abort. I went through with the abortion. And I at first felt really relieved. But that quickly wore off. I began to really regret my decision. I just want my baby back and I felt that I was selfish and unfair to a life that God had blessed me with. 8 months after the procedure I still haven't coped with it. I think that by now my baby would be at least two to three months old. One day I hope I finally forgive myself. Until then I will continue to pray that God and my precious little baby forgives me.

• by Traci
• 12 years ago

It's been 28 years for me and rarely a day goes by that I do not think about, and regret my decision to have an abortion. I never got pregnant again, although not much later in life, I desperately wanted to, even trying in-vitro fertilization, to no avail. I tried for 20 years to have a baby. Then I got cancer and had to have a hysterectomy. No baby for me. Ever again. Worst decision I ever made in my life. I'll go to my own grave begging my unborn child, and God, for forgiveness.
I'm forever sorry, baby.
Your poem is beautiful.
Thank you for sharing.

• by Melissa
• 12 years ago

So sad to say this is my biggest regret in life I was young and I know that no excuse I always wonder what could have been. I had so much family support but I still made this terrible choice I hope and pray for forgiveness from god and my little angel.....

• by Ann, Sri Lanka
• 13 years ago

A child is a gift from God, but with certain circumstances in a person's life, we do what we think is best at that moment with the pressure and depression. God sees the heart of a person. Life is always not about wants. God is a loving Father who understands you, accepts you and loves you just the way you are. You cannot change the past, sorrow no more! He has already forgiven you. Just commit the matter into God's hands, press forward and count your blessings :)

• by Tahlia, Brisbane
• 13 years ago

I just went through this not long ago. I still can't stop crying. It hurts so much. I wish I wasn't so stupid and chose to not be so selfish. Not a day goes by when I don't think of my unborn child. I have so much love for him/her even though he/she will never get to know :'(

• by Gina, Kent
• 13 years ago

I am so so sorry, a wrong decision, a life of regret and stabbing pain when least expected - its been 20 years and never eases - so sorry my should have been baby, so sorry x

• by Rachel, Uk
• 13 years ago

I don't know where to start with my story. I've had 2 abortions from my ex partner I also have 3 beautiful children and they are the only good that came out of that 13 year abusive relationship. I have recently had a baby boy from my new partner who means the world to me and is bringing up my other children as his own. I'm suffering from my actions all those years ago and not a day goes by when I don't regret it..but for some reason I'm dreaming about it. I wish I'd had the strength to save my babies lives and I'm sorry for taking them. I had no right but at the time I thought I was doing the best for them :( I'm in bits xx my heart goes out to all you ladies and our tiny baby angels xx

• by E Medina
• 13 years ago

loved your poem. I have had 2 abortions. both very painful to me to this date. I am blessed to have been able to get pregnant again and I have decided to keep this child even if me and the dad don't get along in the end. I already have 2 boys from different relationships and the fear of another child being raised without their dad made me follow through with my decisions but not no more. I have put my fear aside and will raise 3 babies alone if I have to. God knows I didn't want to go through with it and all the tears I cried and the pain I went through. Thanks for a beautiful poem. expressed my feelings perfectly!

• by Philadelphia, Pa
• 13 years ago

Hello all my name is Ebony Angel Bailey Bryant I am the author of this poem and it brings me great comfort and joy to know that my tragedy could have provided comfort to someone else. I have 3 other kids and a stepdaughter my husband and I are still together but unfortunately I have not been able to forgive either of us. Your comments have all been very comforting to my still aching heart and soul.

• by Sarah
• 13 years ago

This is almost like reading my life, but instead of having a miscarriage, on medical grounds doctors said I had to have another abortion. So I did, only to be told 2 weeks later that they had made a mistake and I could have had the baby. I'll always feel like it was karma, that it was my punishment.
It never leaves you and I will always blame myself for it.
Thank you for sharing this poem. It's extremely sad and I'm sorry for your loses. xxxx

• by Jill, San Diego
• 13 years ago

I had a termination 20 years ago. I was just 17 and on a medication that caused developmental issues with the unborn. I also had no support from family. I felt I HAD to. I have regretted that decision everyday. I have 4 children now but I always think of my oldest baby. He will always have a special place in my heart and I hope that I have the forgiveness that I have asked for all these years. If I could turn back time I would in a heartbeat.

• by Cheyanne W.Harvey, Il
• 14 years ago

Hearing you story touch me in so many ways I'm 18 and was pregnant and had a miscarriage on 10-27-10 and before that I was really considering an abortion because the father said he couldn't handle a child. The pain of knowing that a part of you will never see or experience what we have or see this day is the worst pain that a woman/mother can experience. Not a day that I don't think or cry that my baby isn't here. I almost feel it's my fault that I had a miscarriage or that god is punishing me for considering the option of abortion. your poem is truly inspiring and you are in my prayers

• by Mary, Salt Lake City
• 14 years ago

Thanks so much for sharing these wonderful words with all, I wish with all of my heart and energies that we could pass laws that protect out youngest future citizens, they are our blood and not just a "fetuses" like they say they are. we act only out of fear and emotional ignorance. we will carry this mourning in our hearts.

• by C, Welch
• 14 years ago

This poem touched me very much. 20 plus years ago I had an abortion. Today I am doing a post abortion bible study. There is forgiveness and hope. Really the hardest thing is to forgive myself. So sad how many lives are affected by abortion.

• by C, Las Vegas
• 14 years ago

My husband and I have a 18 month old little girl, and I have recently been diagnosed with cervical cancer, so when I got pregnant we made the decision to abort. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and the biggest regret of my life. Your poem is something I will always consider very personal and will always be my comfort. Thank you. It is amazing.

• by Megan, Ottawa Ontario Canada
• 14 years ago

I wish I could go back. I would be celebrating my babies 1st birthday this month. I think about you every day my little bean, I wish your dad didn't make me believe I had no other choice. I miss you and love you and cannot wait until I can hug and kiss you xo.

• by Shasheena, Canada
• 14 years ago

I really like this poem, and it takes a lot for you to tell your story, GOD doesn't punish people for their mistake instead he takes you and shields you in his arms, continue to pray and you will be blessed..

• by Melanie Jean Garuffi, Southern NJ
• 14 years ago

Thank you for your lovely poem. God does offer forgiveness when we repent. He will never stop loving you! The Lord has recently moved my heart to start an anti-abortion blog. We need to help save the babies but we also need to love the ladies! We all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Ebony, you are right where you need to be with the Lord. And I have counseled others to know that their aborted little ones will indeed be waiting in heaven with open arms to reunite with their mamas. Just like your little angel. Love, Pastor Melanie

• by Claudia Lee
• 15 years ago

Although I have never had an abortion your story touched my heart. I wish that everyone who is considering abortion could read your poem as well as many of the others on this site. God bless you and your family.

• by Penelope McKnight
• 15 years ago

I'm so sorry I know how you feel I made that same painful decision and to this day I cry and reading your poem I cry I've never hurt so bad in my life and would give anything to take it back I was selfish and I too have other children, but nothing can replace this child and I will truly never forgive myself I talk to her/or him every night when I go to sleep and just say I'm sorry I love you.

• by Doris Rodriguez
• 15 years ago

Your story has touched my heart, as all abortion stories so often do. Please remember that God can see deep inside your heart. He knows you regret the decision to abort your baby. He knows you have to live with that decision each and every day! He also wants you to know that He loves you and forgives you! Through this life experience, you have an opportunity to help change the hearts and minds of a nation who is blind and deaf to the pain and suffering caused by abortion. You can make a difference in another young mother and her child's lives. This poem is a huge first step. God bless you.

• by jacquelyn
• 16 years ago

My mother had an abortion before I was born. She told me when I was 18, which means my sibling would've been 3 years older than me. I am 26 now, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of them. This poem was so touching, I am sorry you are going through what you are going through. There isn't a day that goes by my mother doesn't regret what she did, I do too! will be praying for you and your husband

• by Lisa
• 16 years ago

It's hard to believe that it's been 17 years since I made that selfish decision. Your 13 year old sister and 11 year old brother will never know how lucky they would have been to have you as an older sibling. I regret not having you despite the social fall-out that I would have endured. Your life was not meant for me to take. I hope you can forgive me and I can't wait until I can hug you.

• by lani
• 16 years ago

yea...I had one too and I absolutely regret it, its been almost 8 months and I still haven't forgiven myself. I wanted to keep it, but my "boyfriend at the time" didn't want it. he had a 2 year old son, and me being me I let him get into my head with all the "I cant have another kid, my family will hate you, and you don't need a kid right now you need to enjoy life" that he said to me, 4 days after I did it, he started talking to his sons mom again. He left me lonely, lost and depressed..duno how I will get over it. I miss my baby everyday...I will never have an abortion again it was the first and last time, and if I could go back I would, I wouldn't care if I had to do everything myself I rather be a single mom then not a mom at all...to a baby I once had....

• by Cindy
• 16 years ago

Definitely made me cry. I will pray for you. Don't know if you've been to the Pro-life Rally in Washington D.C. but I'm sure they'd love to have you and to hear your story.