Chasing Sunsets

Having depression and anxiety is like being thrown into a raging, surging ocean
When you don't know how to swim.
Meanwhile, the whole world expects you to keep swimming forward,
To keep excelling and moving onward in this thing called life.

But you feel like you're dying.
You're gasping for air.
Every breath is a struggle.
Your feet can't touch the floor.
You feel all alone,
Waves crash over your head and pummel you with water.
You want to give up the fight to stay afloat.

Help comes in the form of pills.
They become your floatation device.
You're no longer relying on sheer willpower to stay alive.
Now at least you won't drown,
But you still don't know how to swim.

Therapy teaches you how to swim.
Soon you are swimming forward again.

Yet even with the best swimming lessons and floaties...
The. Waves. Still. Come.
Bad days still exist and people don't understand.

They assume that you should be all better.
They assume that one bad day means you're relapsing.
You feel ashamed of your bad days,
Like you have to hide them,
But those people just don't understand the journey.

You're still trying to swim forward when waves and currents and rapids are against you.
There's a constant battle going on in your mind.
No wonder you're so tired all the time.
No wonder bad days come sometimes.
Days when getting out of bed is a struggle
And all you want to do is stay under the covers.

But you don't, because the world is waiting for you to show your face.
You choose to get up and take a shower.
You make breakfast and put salt and pepper on your eggs.
You cling to the warmth of your cup of coffee.
You take in the slim amount of theology your brain can handle.
You watch the sun rise and chase the sunset.
You remind yourself who you are.

Bad days still come.
Bad days will come.
But it's different now.
You still feel like you want to die.
You still wish you could.

But Hope's voice is louder,
And Grace's streams run deeper.
Tomorrow might be better.
Tomorrow is already full of new mercies.
Tomorrow there are moments you want to live for.
Sunsets you want to chase,
People you want to hug,
Laughs you want to share and tears you want to cry.
Memories you want to make,
Deep conversations you want to have,
Sand you want to squish between your toes,
Presence you want to live in,
Favorite foods you want to savor and coffee you want to drink.
Pancakes you want to flip,
Music you want to get lost in,
Gifts you want to give,
Love you want to find.

So you choose to keep swimming.
You choose grace.
You choose to remember who you are,
Because brighter days are coming.
His mercies are new every morning.
There are more sunsets to chase,
And someday you will breathe again.