What Really Goes On?

• by Midnight A Shadow, Maple Ridge, Canada
• 4 years ago

My name is Bella but I have changed it to Shadow. I am 14 years old and have just started cutting during this Coronavirus pandemic. I have never had any friends, and the few I had before this started have now deleted me from their contacts. Now along with having no friends, I have also started cutting and can't stop. My parents are abusive, so I got adopted, but these people are abusive as well. It doesn’t help that I have ADHD and autism as well. My only comfort in this world was my Golden Retriever Max, but he died last year. If anyone reads this please pray for me because I would like to know how to stop cutting, Shadow.

• by Chantelle
• 7 years ago

I totally get this. I hadn't cut for ages but did it again the other day. To all cutters, remember to stay strong.

• by Lillian Hagar
• 7 years ago

Hi, I am Lillian Hagar. I am 13 years old, and I started cutting my wrist because I felt like a outsider to my friends and I was so depressed. I also miss my first boyfriend who is now my ex. This was the first boyfriend, and since we broke up he keeps staring at me, and I don't know how to handle all the pain. I try not to look at him, but when I do I see this sad look in his eyes like he misses me, so cutting was the only way to let my sadness out and anger. Whoever reads this please pray for me, and thanks for hearing my story.

• by Awesome_gal21, palmerston north, new zealand
• 7 years ago

This is sad. STOP CUTTING. We all love you too much. It's not fair to see you guys doing this. I love you, and God bless you. <3

• by Rebekah K.
• 7 years ago

I agree. This is exactly how I feel. I think this speaks well for all the hurting hearts.

• by Abbi
• 8 years ago

My name is Abbi. I'm 14. And for the past couple of years, that's not who I've been. I started cutting when I was in 6th grade. I hated myself so much that just thinking about it made me angry. There was always this fire that I had for myself and there was a voice in that fire that told me to hurt myself because I could at least control that. I couldn't. My parents are transferring me to a snobby rich kid private school. They have no idea and wouldn't care. I'm in 8th grade and halfway through the year. My whole life I've been to 6 schools. I'm always moving and leaving people, leaving friendships, leaving my life, just to start a new one. I hate it. My new years resolution is to stop hurting myself. I want to so bad but its the first day of February and I'm clean. I have scars all up my arm but no new ones. What I'm trying to say is this: you're amazing. You don't deserve this even if you think you do. And I might not know you but YOU'RE LOVED(and you've got one fan right here).

• by Alexis Schoeff, Blissfield
• 9 years ago

I'm 15, I have been cutting for 4 years. Trying to stop is the hardest thing in the world, my mom makes me promise that I will stop and not do it but I have now broken that promise about 4 times. She doesn't understand why it makes me feel better, she thinks that it's gross. It makes things hard because as of right now she has taken away the one thing that usually keeps me from cutting which is music and also being able to talk to my friends when I'm feeling the urge they talk me down and for the most part that works. There are not many members of my family who know how I really feel, they think that I'm a happy, healthy, totally normal teenage girl. Which is far from the truth. I'm trying to get better, started going to therapy. I really want to get better, to have more self-confidence, to believe people when they tell you that you are pretty but it's hard and honestly I don't know how much more I can take.

• by Kyle Devlugt, Swansea
• 9 years ago

I used to cut because of the life I was living it was horrible. I still have scars on my arms and legs and thinking back on it now it looks ugly. I was bullied because I didn't fit in with everyone so I started feeling suicidal. Then I thought that if I cut it would help take the pain away from what I was feeling emotionally and replace it with physical pain. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?" NO!! it makes you weaker as a person and causes long term damage. I was bullied then and called an 'emo' and 'cat scrams', it was horrible and I just want to let everyone know that you are strong as a living being and if you can make it through nasty names without self-harming then you can make it through anything!

• by Rachael W.
• 9 years ago

I started cutting when I was about 11 years old or so in sixth grade, and didn't stop for the longest time. Eventually one day my sophomore year (10th grade) year in high school I met this person who pushed me to all my limits physically and emotionally. I had, had enough. I went home found my trusty silver blade and knew after a while that if I didn't stop I would die. No one in my house had noticed but I went to the restroom grabbed toilet paper and wrapped my arms tight and put on my bathrobe so no one would see them. I was terrified but I knew that if that toxic influence in my life didn't leave I would be gone. So I talked to my closest guy friend about it. I told him everything and he helped me get my life together. Your poem explains why I did cut, it wasn't because I was psychotic, it was a release. I am now 16 and in my 11th grade year of high-school and I haven't cut in over a year. Your poem made me feel as if maybe the world will begin to understand. Thank you.

• by Aspen Sturdevant, Wisconsin
• 10 years ago

When I was at the age of 13 I started cutting, I am now 15 and a sophomore in high school. I have been going to therapy for quite some time more like since last year. Even though things have gradually going better for me, I had a depressive episode a few days ago and I had the urge. Last year I was put in a psychiatric hospital for severe depression, a suicide attempt, severe anxiety, self-harm, and being sexually abused. This may sound like a lot to deal with and it is but I still pushed on. After getting all this help I have now made the varsity cheer team at my high school, reached my goal for better grades, made new friends, and am dating my best friend who has been my best friend for two years. It takes time to heal just like it takes time for things to get better, last year I never would have thought that I could achieve what I did.... but here I am and I hope whatever is going on that is causing anyone to harm themselves and so on gets the message because there will always be someone there.

• by Mariah Vincent, Evansville
• 10 years ago

I started cutting when I was 13 I'm 16 now. I've cut for 3 years straight and I did it because I was always majorly depressed. My family doesn't understand me and they don't listen. They tell me I should come to them and talk but when I try to all they do is turn their heads my dad tells me that I don't always have to be the center of attention. My mom has a new bf and he keeps blaming me and my problems for the reason why he is going to leave. I want to be with my family but if I ruin everything for them I'd rather they just give me away. I got sent off to Columbus, Indiana for help and my mom took me out she says I don't deserve help and it makes me cry at night. Most of my depression is because as a child I lost a sister to the system and I'll never see her again and I'm about to lose another one. I ruin things all the time and I feel like I'm always alone. I have no one on my side/

• by Natasia
• 10 years ago

I started cutting when I was 13 and now I'm 15 and I still cut. My mom found out and I had to go to therapy and I had to promise not to cut anymore but sometimes, promises are meant to be broken, right?

• by Anria Lombaard
• 10 years ago

My friend used to cut too. But she has been clean for 1 year. She would cut on her wrists and her upper thighs. She has stopped because I am checking her thighs and wrists everyday. I told her if she does it again I would start to cut. I have cut and she does know and now I have scars on my wrists. She does check ups on me too. So me and my friend knows how all of you feel, but if you have a friend that will help you through and be there for you it will always work out.

• by Kristina Velez
• 10 years ago

I'm 13 years old, I started cutting since i was 12. It hasn't been that long, only a year. But, I've been bullied throughout my entire life. I'm that "ugly, fat, geeky" girl. Everyone always made fun of me. I was feeling so depressed one day, I just couldn't deal with the pain. And I thought about ending my life. But, there was a voice in the back of my head, a very quiet voice, telling me that I'm better than suicide. And it was one of my favorite bands, My Chemical Romance, that actually saved me. The longest I've ever been clean was 1 month. Now, when those bad thoughts come back, I'm still not strong enough to say no to my blade. But, I try my best. I am not strong. Some, tell me, oh stop being dramatic, and stop being stupid and just kill yourself. I believe them, but then I realize that I was put on this earth for a reason. I'm still not strong. But, I will be soon. If you are going through anything, just Stay Strong <3

• by Nala, Texas
• 10 years ago

My story is some what same to others I started cutting when I was 13 because I had no friends I was that nerdy girl in the background that knew all the answers and got A's on everything. I was so done with being alone with being treated that I was nothing so I started to cut and I hid them for a really long time. As a freshman I got friends not because they felt bad but because I started talking to people I stopped for a little. I actually felt pretty then I lost my aunt when I was 15 it hurt me so bad she was the only one who I could talk to hours on end.
Then I lost my dance partner Nick he was my dance partner for 13 years he literally was the only kid I talked to for the longest. When I lost him I died he was my best friend and I loved him. I still to this day feel it's my fault that he's gone. I was 15 and lost my two best friends in one month the pain of losing my aunt came back the pain of everything was back, I tried to commit suicide more than once. I stopped eating, I stopped talking, my grades were dropping. I went from perfect 4.0 to 3.4 in a month. My life was done I was done. I hated everything about me then I met my bf. He gave me hope with everything I do. I'm 16 now. And I'm still not supper happy and do end my days with a blade. But I've gotten a little better I'm still a big mess but I'm making my way through it and so will all you guys. There's someone here who loves you. So please don't feel like no one cares....

• by Sarah, New Zealand
• 10 years ago

I started cutting when I was 13 after being bullied and struggling with family issues, I needed an escape and that's exactly what cutting did for me, it brought calmness and relief. My parents found out and took all my blades thinking it would help but really it made me worse. I used anything I could to slice my skin and drip with blood, sometimes I even took blood baths. I moved on to bigger things no just using razors but thick, sharp blades that created gashes in my skin. Now I'm in weekly counseling and therapy at the hospital. It's hard but I'm getting there. Cutting is an addiction, and like any addiction/problem you're the only one that can really make you better.

• by Evelyn
• 10 years ago

I'm 13 I started cutting in April so it hasn't been that long. My dad is in jail and me and my mom don't have a good relationship. So I feel alone most of the time that's why I started cutting. It isn't as bad but it's getting worse. And I can't deal with all my problems I guess that's why we all do it. But I want to be noticed I want to feel loved. I miss my old life my happy self, but doubt she's there anymore.

• by Bailey
• 10 years ago

I've been cutting for two years and only my gf knows. I'm bi and proud to it. But my ex bff left because she hated the scars and I embarrassed her
Her friends were the ones who bullied me to suicidal thoughts. FML! This is how I run away. The blood and extra distracting pain just is my only friend! The cutting is less pain than the rumors and hatred.

• by Taylor
• 10 years ago

I started when I was 12 or 13. I'm 14 now. I was bullied and I had mixed feelings. I was insecure and no one helped, no one understood. When my parents found out they yelled and grounded me. But they still didn't care. All these things stir inside of me. I can't help it. Everyone is my enemy. I try to be okay. But I'm just fading away.

• by Daniella
• 10 years ago

I started cutting when was 11 and I've carried on since I'm 13 and I started to fancy this boy and I asked him out and he said no because he doesn't want to be with a girl with scars up their arm, so then I asked other lads if they would walk around with someone with scars and they said yeah and that's cheered me up, So it proves that you don't need some boys!

• by Jazzmine, MI
• 10 years ago

I started cutting when I was 13, I'm 16 now and cutting still has its claws in me. The occasional person catches on. but not a single person in my family has yet. My boyfriend of 3 years gets upset every time he finds new cuts and always tried to get me to stop, but I can't. I'll start to think I'm getting better and then something happens and I'm over the edge. Most people just don't understand.

• by Matthew
• 10 years ago

My gf cuts and every time she does she tries to hide them but I always tend to find them. When I do, I look her in her eyes and I can see how sad she is. She tries pulling away but I kiss her cuts and scars to remind her that I'm here but that doesn't work. I tell her that when she cuts, it's like cutting me too

• by Molly, MI
• 10 years ago

Other people just don't seem to understand, there's a reason we do this, but its definitely not because of attention. I've told my family that my kitten did it to me and soon I am going to run out of excuses. I've heard the saying that "the people who smile the most during the day, cry the most tears at night". It's so true.

• by Caitlin
• 10 years ago

I started cutting at 14 and I'm 15 now so I've been cutting for a little over a year. My parents and brother found out but they didn't do anything about it. They didn't try to make me stop. They just ignored it. They make jokes about cutting and it hurts.

• by Mary
• 10 years ago

I started cutting when I had just turned 13. I thought that cutting was really popular so I decided to start cutting myself too. After a year it became an obsession to me and now I have to go to a therapist but I still have the need to cut!!!

• by Isabella
• 11 years ago

When I was 10 I started cutting and if anyone saw the cuts I would blame them on the cat but I guess that something in me wanted to live because every time I come close to suicide I think of my family and how much it would hurt them.

• by Rachel Ulloa
• 11 years ago

I've been cutting since I turned fourteen, so I haven't been doing it for long, because I still am fourteen, but this is exactly how I feel. I hate the attention, I hate the names, but what I hate more than everything, is that they don't understand. I hate it more than anything.