I'm trapped in a box with no intentions to survive
Praying...asking God why am I still alive
I go to sleep each night knowing everything I say is a lie
Knowing that is enough for me to break down and cry
My father taught me to be tough and conquer your fears
My mother taught me how to love and it's okay to shed a couple tears
I struggle each day to survive living my life with doubt
I'm trapped in a death hole with no hopes of getting out
I've been tormented by the devil ever since I was a little boy
He is the puppet master and I'm his #1 toy
I've been bullied, misunderstood, charged with guilt to my heart
Slowly but surely I'm loosing my mind...and my heart and soul is falling apart
I can't help myself no matter how hard I try
I need to find a way; the clock is winding down to the day I die
It's like the devil has control over me, at least that's how it seems
He usually gets me like Freddy Krueger...when I'm asleep, in my dreams
I was raised in the church; my mom said when you're in trouble look for a way in the light
But I'm too lost in the world and blinded by the night
At this point in my life I am mentally unstable
But I'm going to keep my eyes on God because I know he is able
I have worn a mask all my life; nobody knows or understands me
They think I have it all good...look harder and you will really see
I love you, Mom, and I'm really trying to find a way
But the only way you can help me is to continue to pray
There were times you never listened to what I had to say
That's part of the reason I am who I am today
But I'm on the right track; I'm determined to find my way
All because you said you loved me and it will be okay
I used to live each day with no hopes for tomorrow
Walking with my head down filled with shame and sorrow
There were times where I felt I was on the world's hit list
So depressed my face looking like death ready to slit my wrists
As a man I feel for myself I have to provide
It's enough pressure for a man to commit suicide
As I engraved death in my arm I started to bleed
Even though God is all I want and all that I need
Stress is building up in my heart and mind
Wondering when my time is up and if I'm ready to die
I put the gun to my head and closed my eyes
I said Lord, take me now, I'm ready to die
As I pulled the trigger no bullet came out
Then I thought to myself aren't I supposed to be dead now
I opened my eyes and saw the light
A voice said I love you with all my might
If it was my mom I don't know why
Then they said I love you; it's not time for you to die
So as I look to the sky I thank God for saving me
If it weren't for him, I don't know where I would be
I know it's all over; my faith has been restored
I have no thoughts of death...evil can't touch me anymore
Now you know who I used to be and how I became the new me
When I was trapped in a box...but now I'm free
Wow, wow, wow!!! This poem really hit me. I have been down this road before and I did it all alone. This poem showed me that I am not alone. God is able. Even though it may not seem like it,...
Suicidal Thoughts
Published by Family Friend Poems July 2010 with permission of the Author.
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I feel you. I also feel that way but have never gotten that far. I also feel like I am alone and all I want is for someone to love me and for someone I can trust and talk too