Poems by Katie Q. McKee

If I showed my true colors, what would society think?
Would they laugh, show pity, or read the ink?

I'm exhausted from smiling every single day
When I know the pain won't just go away.

Every night I cannot sleep
Because my thoughts run so deep.

They went out for a stroll
But got sucked into a black hole.

My focus is no longer there, anywhere.
I don't know why I'm like this, I swear.

It seems like I'm just well-dressed.
That just means how much I'm stressed.

My friends all laugh and hang around.
You don't need water to be drowned.

This darkness beneath consumes my mind.
It's like I'm living my life blind.

On the outside I'm holding it together,
But it's as unpredictable as the weather.

"How are you?" "I'm fine."
But the truth lies between the lines.

It's like being on Mars and trying to breathe air.
When they talk about the future, I don't really care.

You say to suck it up and to be strong,
But little do you know what exactly is wrong.

My life is forever altered because of this.
That cheerful 5 year old is who I miss.

This is war; you either win or die trying.
You speak the truth or continue lying.

The changes were all so very subtle; I don't blame you for not seeing,
But what you don't understand is that I'm a human being.

The truth is you wouldn't last if this was in your brain,
But I've found a way to numb the pain.

I have to fight my mind every single second,
But that's only because this thing had beckoned.

I wouldn't ever choose to feel this way; these were the cards I was dealt.
My only wish is that more people would understand how we felt.

Sometimes a glimpse of wonder wanders on over,
But it's as rare as finding a four leaf clover.

Monsters don't live under our beds.
They scream inside of our heads.

Still I live with hope that one day I will win.
I will defeat the monster that's under my skin.

No words can describe what I feel when I look at you.
The glory of your smile brings light to this place.
So simple yet so impossible to understand.
Every move you make is taken in with grace.

How could someone not want you in their life?
Like you were sent from a movie scene.
How could they just throw it all away,
Not thinking of what that could mean?

Your eyes capture mine in a second to spare.
I absorb your innocence that is ever so new.
I get lost in your soul so freely unveiled
As you gaze at me with your baby blues.

An unsettling feeling resides in my head,
One that I've been trying to forget.
A little version of myself walking around;
I guess I haven't gotten used to that yet.

I'm afraid you'll turn into me one day in the future. 
That's a risk I can't afford to gamble on.
I want you to have a fair chance from the start.
I wish for you to paint a picture not already drawn.

But then I think about the love I'd share,
The good, the bad, and everything between.
I would show you this life's possibilities.
Maybe it could be different if I hadn't seen...

Your baby blues staring back to me,
Making my choice appear to be clear.
But that feeling still shakes my bones.
The only time it stops is when I hold you near.

Questions bounce back and forth in my brain.
Do you deserve this life or are the stakes too high?
Consequently my fear could turn into reality,
But who would I be if I could never even try?

I just have to look in those baby blues
And all my worries will fade into the night.
You have all the answers in your heart.
I'm trusting you that it's gonna be all right.

It's something to be cherished:
The joy you bring to this world everyday.
Run my fingers through your thin hair.
Listen closely so you can hear me say,

"Baby blue eyes,
You light up the skies.
I don't think you realize,
But you are everything and anything."

Another option I would choose
If it weren't for your baby blues.

As long as I can remember, I've been wrong.
Everyone always saying I have to be strong.
 
Everything inside myself tells me to give in,
Trying not to look where I've already been.

This feeling is so numb that you just can't shake.
You really start to wonder how long it will take.

The worst part is when you think you're fine,
But you know that it's only a matter of time.

No one can tell you the cause of the pain.
You're like water flowing down an empty drain.

Somewhere in the world is another voice
Who feels that they also don't have a choice.

There is no denying that it's compared to air.
Similarly it happens to always be there.

I look around at others who are effortlessly okay,
But I sense my wires starting to fray.

Tending to feel more intensely at night.
That's when I take out my pen to write.

The wind against my window and rain from the sky.
Sometimes I feel so alone I want to lay here and cry.

I don't know why...

Pretending to be brave will have a due date.
The rhythm continues at a constant rate.

A small glimmer of hope comes my way because of you,
Telling me I'm meant for bigger things; that is what I'll do.

One day I'll look back at it all and not hurt anymore.
I'll remember the pain but not feel so sore.

But I won't give into the pressure of this.
It's my old life that I'm seeming to miss.

I won't fall victim to this crime.
I'm strong enough to finish my climb.

Many situations I do regret but cannot fix,
Times I stuck together like newly laid bricks.

Despite all of the things I have done wrong,
I still find reason to believe I'm strong.

I'll let you in on something I will not do.
I won't give up because of you.

The despair that holds her back tugs on her heartstrings
But like a puppet she will obediently play along

She was once optimistic and filled with joy
But that way of life soon came to an end
Her mind was used as a distorted decoy
The distraction that consumed her entire world

She wanted something to change
It didn't matter if that were good or bad
She wished she could take a stand
And sometimes imagined that she had

Under the influence of a higher strength
She patiently waited untouched
Looking to anyone for the answers
With the piece of hope that she clutched

Was she weak or a diamond in the ruff?
Passing her by without looking twice
She knew this life would be tough
But she never got to roll the dice

Succumbed to her controller, she falls short
This won't be her last match
The strength she's building inside will be enough
To make that final catch

The thin, torn strings are starting to break
Soon the puppet will be free of the ache