Funny Christmas Poems

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds;
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave a lustre of midday to objects below,
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny rein-deer,
With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donder and Blixen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So up to the housetop the coursers they flew
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too--
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pedler just opening his pack.
His eyes--how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight--
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

(sung to the tune of "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year") - with apologies to Andy Williams

It's the most fattening time of the year
There'll be pizza and dim sum, oh yes, please, I'll have some
And one more root beer
It's the most fattening time of the year

It's the fat-fatteningest season of all
With those holiday dinners I'm not getting thinner, not even at all
It's the fat-fatteningest season of all

There'll be turkeys for roasting, buffets that I'm coasting
And piling my plate oh so high
'Cause this holiday eating is diet-defeating
So hand me some more of that pie!

It's the most unhealthy time of the year
My cholesterol and BP are both way up on me
But my meds are near!
I can start on that diet next year!

There'll be stuffing and swilling, by me oh so willing
My "fat pants" will be very tight
From the First of November 'till way past December
My blood work will be out of sight!
(Grow, my thighs!)

(The BIG FINISH!)
It's the most fattening time of the year!
There'll be much guilty pleasure, and way too much leisure
While growing my rear!
It's the most fattening time!
What I'm doing to me is a crime!
Oh the most fattening time - of the year!

Hear Ye, Hear Ye there is much to do,
But the reindeer up north have caught the flu!

The presents are wrapped, the sleigh is all set,
So instead of reindeer, we're using your pets.

Just show them this note on Christmas Eve,
So when the time comes, they'll be ready to leave.

We'll take dogs, we'll take snakes, we'll take hamsters and cats.
We'll take frogs, we'll take lizards, we'll even take bats!

We'll pretty much take whatever you've got.
For Santa's sleigh, we'll need a lot.

Your pet should leave when you're asleep,
So don't make a sound or a peep.

When your pet comes to fly the sleigh,
I'll make them fly, I'll show them the way.

We'll soar through the night up high in the sky.
Looking down at the houses as we fly on by.

Oh, and thank you for helping Santa Claus.
From your old pal, Santa Paws.