Roger W. Sandmann

As the shower tried to wash away
the dust and grime of the day
my grief ran down my face as well
my cries were muted as the tears fell
this is my spot where I can mourn alone
where I try and try forever to atone
for every wrong I ever committed
hoping and praying I'll be acquitted
I relive that day as images flash by
and as the water flows I silently cry
the flashbacks come in waves of pain
they surround me but never find the drain
and just as surely as the water can drown
the suffering can also pull me down
for there is no rescuer here to save me
and from this torrent I shall never be free
as I leave the shower my body is bathed
but my shattered soul is completely unfazed
there's no amount of scrubbing that can mend
this crushing torment that has no end

Awake again in the long still silent
considering a path that I could choose
can I do this thing so violent
or is there perhaps too much to lose?

The first step is to stir from my rest
throw the bed covers back and rise
feet on the floor, begin my quest
But first take a moment to dry my eyes

And then to walk through the darkened place
that I shared with her and called it home
now it's only a sad empty space
that recalls the memories of the catacombs

Through the door, of the room where it stands
a vault that holds the tools of ending
Next I take the handle in my hands
and open the door that could heal the rending

Search the shelves for the proper piece
pull it out and check it closely
making sure it's ready to release
me from this hell that grips me coldly

Heft it up and feel it's weight
no fear now, hold it steady
test the placement make it right
take that final step, I'm ready

I know if I begin the journey
I'll take each step along the way
and at the end of it there is a gurney
and they will wheel my vessel away

But maybe my prayers will be fulfilled
and my soul will not be banished
but I will be at peace and still
and be together with she who vanished.

But for now, from me that first step evades
the doubt and fear keep me bound
to this place where grief cascades
and here I'll stay until peace is found