Mitch Jones

I lived my life, I tried my best to follow all my dreams.
My great endeavors were forever bursting at the seams.
And though I tried to love what's mine, I failed and I confess
My bony knees made pants like these suffer much distress

I heard a tearing sound, and I thought it was my heart
When I looked down with a frown, my pants did fall apart.
The ripping sound was not around at the greatest time
For when my knee skin felt cold air, it was less than sublime

And now I live my life, knee bare against the world alone.
Now everyone can plainly see my pale skin, joint, and bone.
My ripped up pants, like Frankenstein, I may just sew together
Or perhaps make my pants shorts to wear in warmer weather.

My pants are done, I have moved on. They've done their master well.
And pants don't live forever, not as far as I can tell.
But there's one problem I can't solve, and it I truly hate.
Does one bury their old dead pants, or do they just cremate?

Last year I thought that you were icky as I ate my glue,
But this year I can see that I have greatly misjudged you.
Your retainer gleams with moonlight beams when you smile in my direction.
I can see through greasy hair that we have a connection.

My armpit hair is growing just as fast as our romance,
And now that I'm like 5 foot 5 I think I have a chance.
There's something about my love for you that others just don't get.
The things I like about you are as many as my zits.

I've not seen you for a while now and I hope you're doing well,
Because I think my armpits have a very lonely smell.
If I were left without you I would have a heart attack,
So let me serenade you with this song from Nickleback.

You want to play Diablo with me? I hope you won't mind.
I think you would be purple, you're a legendary find.
I want to see your visage more than any other faces,
'Cause like my Warcraft druid, you have charmed me with your graces.

You're beautiful, you're wonderful, you make my heart go boom,
Just like the can of Axe I unleashed upon this room.
I know that you will love me, and I know it will be neat,
Because my shampoo label says, "Rinse, attract, repeat."

Though I may be awkward, this poem may be weird,
And my good side may be tough to see through my patchy beard,
My mind is going crazy, but one thing is true:
My random hormones have paired me with you.